She is five years old. She sits in the diner with her mother. Due to a doctor’s appointment, she did not have to go to school today. She is ecstatic. She eats her pancake with the diner’s syrup which always tastes better than the store-bought one. An old man makes his way to the table. He has felt the need to tell her mother how beautiful her five year old daughter is and that one day there will be boys lining the block and how she will break all of their hearts. She feels uncomfortable. Her mother gives a tight lipped smile and returns to the conversation. He seems annoyed at the flippant response to his compliment. They both begin laughing. Even at five she is confused by the events that just unfolded.
She is six years old. The clock reads 1:42 a.m. She doesn’t think she’s ever been up this late and she’s worried this is going to interfere with Santa coming. Someone is yelling and she’s hoping it’s not about her. She peeks her head through her bedroom door and sees her mom fighting with her uncle. He is leaving, it is too late to be leaving. She’s worried Santa won’t come if they are in the living room and she’s angry that they woke her up. This is her Christmas too. She hears her mom mention that her brother is crying in her parent’s room. She doesn’t think she’s ever seen him cry before. She thought big brothers didn’t cry. She runs back to her bed before they see her and throws her head under the covers. She hopes she’s on the nice list.
She is twelve and walking her dog. He takes a piss on the motorcycle outside of her house. The man from down the block who owns the motorcycle yells from his porch and asks if she is going to be the one to clean that. She ignores him, her heart is beating faster than she thought it could. She wants to ask him why he would park his motorcycle outside their house instead of his own. That would be too much, that would get her in trouble. She can tell he is waiting for a response so she yells back something between an act of acknowledgement and dismissal. He calls her a fucking slut. She laughs, nothing is funny. She is more scared than she has ever been before. She wonders if she could get into the apartment of her neighbor or into the house of her best friend. He is waiting outside her house when she rounds the block. There is nowhere else to go; she will have to walk past him. It is late, and there is nothing around to stop him if he would like to take his anger out on her. She walks past as he stares bullets into her back. She runs into the bathroom. She can’t breathe, she’s never felt like this before. She laughs when she tells her mom, but nothing is funny.
She is fourteen and absolutely wasted. The party she threw in her next door neighbor’s house is in full swing and she doesn’t think she has ever seen this much alcohol in her life. She sits on the stairs with her head on the shoulder of one of her guy friends. He is trying to convince her to go upstairs with him. She doesn’t understand why they would go upstairs if the party is downstairs. For some reason it makes her feel special. He tells her it will be fun, he tells her he just wants to show her something, he asks please. She doesn’t feel so special anymore, she’s worried that he will be mad if she says no but she doesn’t want to leave her friends. She is giggling because she is drunk and she thinks he is too and this all feels so silly. Someone else walks by and she takes the opportunity to get up. He grabs her hand and for the first time she realizes that he is stronger than her. There is a knock at the door and when she answers it it’s her mother. She thinks the world just ended.
She is fifteen and in the basement of this boy’s house. His childhood photos decorate the wall and she feels uneasy. She wonders if he is her age in any of these. He asks her how old she is and she does not lie. Then he asks if she will be a junior. She tells him yes, and this seems to resign any worries he had about her being underage; he is nineteen. She has heard about him before, he seems to be popular amongst the kids she goes to school with. Maybe that’s why she agreed to come over at one in the morning. Maybe that is why she is so worried about disappointing him. He kisses her. He gets her high. He gets her naked. He can’t find her an Uber and he has work in the morning, so he asks her to walk home. Her legs feel like rubber. She has never been this high before. She walks across town alone and calls her friend. He sounds worried but there’s something else in his voice, like he swallowed something sour, like he is disappointed. She feels empty. Her eyes start crying when she gets into bed and she doesn’t know why.
She is seventeen and in the back of her friend’s car next to someone much too old to be hanging out with a seventeen year olds. He just bought them alcohol and in exchange, they had to drive him somewhere. She hates this guy and she cannot wait until they drop him off. They pull up in front of what looks like an abandoned house. Something is wrong, so she puts her hood on. He is screaming on the phone with his mom begging her for money, and his mom begins crying and shouting back, calling him a drug addict and telling him that she can’t do this anymore. She feels like she’s six again. Two guys in ski masks approach the car and he gets out to collect the drugs. She keeps her head down. They pass him a little bag filled with snow. He asks if she wants to try it, and she wonders what her mom would think.